I have been reading a lot on domestic violence and abuse lately. I have been on the roller coaster of trying to heal and letting go from childhood abuse almost my whole life without success. At 36, I finally came to a halt and have not been able to move forward. I feel there are not many answers out there on how to heal and move on. Therefore, I am starting this blog and sharing my own personal journey. In that way, I can identify myself what is working and what is not. And on the long run I might be able to identify what actually worked in spite of feeling it was not working at the time.
My relationship with my mother has been a difficult one as long as I can remember. The cycle of physical and emotional abuse runs deep in my family. Many generations in my maternal and paternal genealogy have been dealing with abandonment issues, addictions and abuse. Recently, I wrote my mother a letter addressing certain issues and behaviors. This is my second attempt to address the physical, emotional abuse and abandonment issue.
My first attempt to communicate with her about the abuse happened about 9 years ago and I considered it unsuccessful. The reason might have been because I was coming from a much angrier place. I blamed, accused and pointed the fingers at her. I also was expecting--almost demanding--an apology. The apology did not come or any acknowledgment of abuse on her part. It was very frustrating.
My second attempt to communicate with her about the abuse happened about 3 months ago. This time I chose my wording carefully. I wrote and rewrote the letter to make sure it did not have an accusatory "tone" to it. I was still very much angry at her but decided to show some compassion for the abuse she went through as a child. I actually know very little of what she went through but the little she shared was very heartbreaking and shocking to me. I could say that she did her best raising me with what she knew at the time. However, I still needed to be heard. I also have to say I had been attending codependent meetings, reading and doing a lot more work on myself than ever before.
Another factor that was present on this second attempt was my willingness and the following through with shutting her out of my life momentarily or permanently if needed be. After writing her a letter stating that I chose to not give her my new phone number, I waited until she responded. When I got her response in the mail; her letter in my opinion was a poor response to my letter. However, she addressed a few things and I could see a little effort on her part. For the first time, I felt like she started to open up to me. It was not exactly how I wanted to be heard but I have to say it was good enough. A good start. About a month and a half later, when I felt I was in a happy place to deal with her, I gave her a call.I thought she was going to sound miserable and depressed on the phone. It was quite the opposite. To my surprise, the tone in her voice was vibrant. We had an awesome positive conversation, we laughed and connected in a pleasant way for an astounding 4 hours!! And, so it was good enough for me to give her my new phone number when she asked me for it. Still, I haven't called her since mid-June.
This week, my mother coyly left me a voice mail saying nothing but: "Kisses,kisses,kisses". I haven't responded to it yet. But I have to say hearing that message drove me nuts. It took me a few days to actually get in touch with my feelings about that voice mail message. And, even though it sounded sweet and playful to a stranger. In my opinion, it was irritating. This morning I was finally able to get in touch with my feelings and had to write her another letter. I will be sharing this letter on my next blog.
I guess the conclusion for today is: this is not an easy process to stand up to a parent. It is not easy to set boundaries, keep them and watch them to make sure the boundaries do not get pushed back. It is not easy to make yourself be heard and command respect from a parent. It is a very emotional process and affects other areas of my life. It takes a lot of energy out of me but I know I am working for a better life whether my mother chooses to participate in it or not. Her decision is not up to me. But, my decision is already made; if she wants me to be part of her life I will not stop talking until I feel like I have been completely heard. I kept quiet for too long and will not compromise my right to be heard anymore...
